heyyy were you guys aware that there is a nail polish that was a result of a collaboration by rodarte and deborah lippmann and it’s named after my favourite album and song (marquee moon) by television?! i knew, but i forgot until yesterday, when i bought it.
ehhhh only took 10mins whadayawant
brb cheese fry run
sigh I’M BORED stomps around house
a year has passed since i started chemo. march 31st 2011. i completely forgot. well, i’m still here. that’s something, right? sure!
went to california to visit my sister for about a week. i took this exact same trip last year, and the week in the sun is actually what caused my immune system to attack my organs. needless to say, i was a little freaked about going - but, yknow, i’m medicated now, and have also made a conscious decision not to be a fuckin’ pussy anymore. the trip consisted of some shopping, some dining, lots of tequila with my friend chris and lots of spilling things in my friend quinn’s car. i broke my hand a week prior to leaving by getting drunk and falling on it, so most of the trip was a percocet haze (not that i’m complaining). i was sad to come back to real life, and unfortunately a massive cold and a double ear infection (because of my adorable, child-sized immune system).
basically, i coated myself in an inch of sunscreen and wore that huge stupid amazing terrible hat every day. i think it worked? my kidneys don’t feel failed yet.
also, jessica and alexis are on tour right now and i miss them terribly. sent the last picture to jess yesterday - wrote that shit backwards in black lipstick. just gonna blame the painkillers again.
outfit:
hat, tank: forever 21 / jacket: thrifted / jeans: cheap monday / shoes: urban outfitters
nails:
china glaze in japanese koi, illamasqua in kink
in light of all the stupid shit i’ve had to do in the last year, i’ve pledged to do every stupid thing i want to do from here on out. here’s a stupid thing i did. i love these.
Nick did this last night when i went to visit he and Emma in Portland, ME. He works at Hallowed Ground on Congress Street if you’re in the area and in need of sick ink. he’s real good at what he does (and a great dude to know).
my dear friends jessica and alexis have been going to maria for manicures for a while now, and every time i go to brooklyn, i manage lose time and forget to have my nails done. finally did today, and i don’t regret it. check this shit out.
also, i don’t smoke weed because i get weird.. but the bong seemed like an appropriate thing to model.
this manicure is great because it
a. downplays the size of my arthritic joints
b. kind of looks like an infection
Rimmel French Manicure Pro in French Lingerie, Stripe Rite in Black
so, parents got a puppy. she’s pretty alright. her name is poppy, and she spends a lot of time ruining anything that covers the bottom half of my legs. community college is going.. eh. forgot that going back to school is a thing you should probably work at. i’ll do it tomorrow.
today my mother had some friends over to see the dog, and while apologising for my “free spirit” hair colour, somehow managed to blame it on the chemo. i give her credit, because this is an amazing stretch and truly the height of her rarely-seen WASPiness. kudos, holly!
i saw 50/50 tonight. while i can’t necessarily compare my experience to what cancer patients go through, i could relate to a lot of what was covered. as humans, we largely endure the most difficult parts of our lives alone. regardless of the amount or brand of support you have, it comes down to the fact that you can’t put your shit on other people, in both a literal and figurative sense. you can’t have someone else have your biopsies, your blood tests, go through your treatments - you also can’t expect people to shoulder your emotional burden or even fully understand the fact that you’re constantly aware of your own mortality. while this is frustrating for everyone involved, it’s certainly an experience in terms of walking in another’s shoes. i am thankful that a number of my friends and family were present and helpful, trying to be there even when i didn’t want them to be. i feel like i have much to apologise for - refusing to accept offers of help, ignoring emails and calls, generally clinging to a dismissive attitude and shitty jokes about dying. know that in times of ugly attitude, it was a symptom of trying to protect those around me - different from but not particularly dissimilar to the support they were trying to provide for me.
long story.. long?, thanks dudes. i owe you quite a bit.
WHY SO SERIOUS, AM I RIGHT? i’ll post some nails tomorrow.
when i fell seriously ill this spring, i’d take a lot of baths. i could never get warm, i was always nauseous - it was kind of the only way to take my mind off it. i took so many that at one point my mother suggested that the water weight i had gained from kidney failure (before we knew what was going on) may have been “absorbed” from all of my baths (gross). at this point, i’m no longer uncomfortable all the time, but the bath thing is a habit i haven’t been able to shake. i also got really into bringing my laptop and watching weird shit on netflix during said bath.
at some point during the summer i had a dream that my friend jessica took pictures of me, in a bath tub filled with empty prescription bottles instead of water. upon evaluation, i have a shocking amount of empty prescription bottles, but sadly not enough to fill a bathtub.
